Books you should read!

Hey everyone just wanted to send off a list of books I recommend for this season of life that I am in.  

I would call it healing. Yes, that's exactly what I would call it.  I feel like this has been a season of both love & pain, but it's been good.  

I will try to write more, it's been really busy & I haven't really felt like writing, but I feel like I am coming out of that & I'd like to share more of my thoughts & my heart soon. 

Stay tuned! 

Anyways, here are some books you should definitely get your hands on! 

Safe People 

From Bondage to Bonding 

How we love 

The Path to Healing 

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality 

Devastation & Reform

This is a poem  I wrote December 2, 2012 & finished this past Friday morning, not knowing the tragedy that would take place later that day.  It is a personal poem of wounding caused by words but I think it can be applied to literal death as well.  It is my way of grieving.  Grief over the fall, over sin, over our own hearts that need love. Desperately. The title is taken from Relient K's song with the same name. 

What is it about us that we can hurt with words?

This gift of communication wasn't it given to build?

Words are meant for intimacy & love not for destruction & rejection.

Of all the things the fall has broken one of em is our communication.

We slash & smash & cut deep wounds with the words that are supposed to be our healing.

 We are bruised & battered & we bruise & batter.

 Words do matter & the words we choose can be sticks & stones to our soul.

What we need is love & affirmation & the skill to be honest without giving out shanks, being real without being defensive.

How can we share that the other has hurt us without hurting in return?

 Is this what Jesus meant by turning the other cheek?

 Are we allowed to tell em how much it hurts yet not slap them back?

Isn't this what loving confrontation is?

 How did we take something like words that are supposed to bring us wholeness& make it something worse, something that we abuse & find power from & use instead to kill?

 We become addicted to the words of sarcasm, & smart remarks & even the harsh, cold words of insults.

 These are the ways the fall has infected us all.

Now we can't be vulnerable or even tell someone we need them become we have believed the lie that everyone is out to get us.

The first chance we get we will tell 'em how it is, we will tell 'em what we think of 'em.

Isn't it sad that those we hurt the most are those who have hurt us the most?

Why can't we just say it, why do we have to hide behind the words that hurt?

Isn't it exhausting playing in the masquerade & everyday you have a new way to hide?

We hide & seek behind the words so we don't have to tell 'em that they affect us & they make us feel a certain way about ourselves.

It's a sad sad world when you don't feel safe at home & those who are you close kin are those who betray you most.

Betrayed with a kiss, as the song goes "kiss you on the cheek, stab you in the back."

Jesus knew what it was to be betrayed by those who knew him best, even those whom his own hand created in their mother's womb.

For it was Jesus who spoke 139 all over Judas' life & yet it was Judas who sought to sell him.

Judas the betrayer, with words & actions & this too is the aftermath of the great fall.

Jesus knows how it is to be abused, rejected, even by his own, it's no wonder he felt so alone.

This gift of communication is supposed to bring us closer together but we have instead used it to draw us further apart.

You go your way & I'll go mine, what else can you do with someone who spits out fire from her mouth?

Worse than a dragon, more poisonous than a snake is a mouth filled with hate.

Yet how easily we can change from the victim to the knave.

We can switch roles & become the one who delivers blow.

A small weapon forges a great fire.

Why should we use our shovel as a shank?

Since when is this no man's land?

This is supposed to be Eden, the garden & the fruit & the trees.

It is supposed to be pleasant here.

Instead the fruit is rotting & blackness covers the vines. When our mouth becomes fire the land of plenty turns to ash.

All the nutrients are sucked dry from our bones.

Because this is what death does it kills us.

Words of death release into our hearts & turn it to stone & we become so tough & callous.

We've forgotten what it is to feel deep.

Because killing off one emotion kills them all.

Our emotions are so intricately connected that when one part of our heart dies, the other dies right along with it.

We need a new heart a heart of flesh.

We need new words spoken to us.

Words that won't hurt but that will bring relief like some good medicine to cure our infection.

Because poison can't be tolerated, even in small doses before it ruins your soul & kills the song of your heart.

But Jesus came, the ultimate EMT.

He's the one with the cross therapy resuscitating what's long been buried.

If you are like me, one who's had a funeral for your heart, had grief, made your peace & have accepted the death, won't you come to see that Jesus can bring back to life what the enemy has stolen, killed & destroyed?

Jesus can breathe in you & give you His commands.

Commands that are more like love letters.

Because God is not the God of the dead, He's alive & He wants all things to come to life. 

Cover me

Here's a poem I wrote November 3, 2012 

blinking lights & sinking ships with no where to rest our heads at night

twisting tunnels & dark intentions

no wonder we don't know where our heart is.

Lonely only looking for someone to own me

we have candy coated idols, convenient little statues we keep in our back pockets 

try to tell me but it doesn't add up, they're answers are not enough

catch a reflection of myself in the mirror

do I even know who I am?

do I even know where my heart is?

 heartless, heartflips, heartsits alone empty waiting to be filled

in a room by myself

empty chair

emty walls layed bare

can you tell me who I am?

can you tell me who I belong to?

I want to be me, but the struggle is that what I want is already trademarked by everyone else

what if the thing that sets us apart is the fact that we're really all the same?

 the same need rushing with the same speed full force striving to fill the empty gap inside my chest

why is it that we all like Halloween?

 do we like to dress like someone else & pretend just for one second that our lives has significance

 that we really are having fun

 that life is really black and white instead of a blend of monochromatic grays

 it's either trick or treat, this or that, but if only it were so easy

we are a blend of trick & treats, good and bad and no matter how hard we try

 how cute we dress we can't get rid of the gnawing feeling that something is missing that when we ring the door bell what we really want is to be invited in

 given more than candy, more than a greeting

we all want that feeling

of a warm fire, of a hot cup of chocolate waiting for us, with an embrace from someone who really knows us

because at the end of the day we want the feeling that we are known & enjoyed apart from our costume

what if we were laid bare, naked, exposed, even though we show it all, behind our tight clothes & low cut shorts are the layers & layers of flannel that cover us more than clothes

covers our hearts, our walls go up, afraid to show the world who we really are

because the fact you show off your body doesn't mean you have a naked soul

what if instead of dressing to impress we expose our souls

 what would it be like to really be known & left without any weapons of our own

we would be vulnerable & unashamed

it's just like adam to cover up what we cannot explain cuz

searching through coat racks & piles of shoes won't tell us who our soul is won't get rid of our need & if we walked around barefoot like some children around the world would we know that we all have the same needs

just fill it up with different seeds, dig up the dirt water it, nurture it

hoping that in the end it will produce a harvest of satisfaction but don't we know what will grow instead is thorns and weeds, lack of green

cuz what we want is to be full to the brim overflowing cups, but our cups flow up with stuff that we try so hard to push down like sadness, and loss, grief and hurt, & even the best dressed of us can't make it work

 what if we gave that to the one who became unrobed for us, who choose the cross to give us the gown of righteousness what if the picture of the bride in white is really what we are we've been searching for worth in the wrong eyes cause pintrest & instragram can't tell me who I really am

& even all the ideas all rolled into one will leave me feeling like a fall, autumn winter spring, summer fall with our leaves withering & what if we are all like trees empty branches waiting for death to come but when we surrender to it & finally give in to it we realize hope is coming

a little bird perched singing a melody, a melody that says who you are is not what you wear, who you are is made in him who knew no sin, & we can be clean, and we can be known by the one who made us, we were foreknown, planned ahead, planned by our parent to be part of a life with no end, god send, Jesus came to live among us so thank you father that you cover us clothes aren't good enough to cover us but jesus blood can cover us

Pappa, Abba, Tati, Daddy

March 26, 2012  
It's been almost a month since I came back from ywam. It's been a hard transition & I am finding that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to get back into the swing of things.  And I'm not the only one.  By far the most annoying question people ask me these days is: "So.. what are you going to do now?" Well, I don't know world! I just don't know.  But I find that Americans are not okay with this answer.  I must do something. Surely I can't just sit around all day. 
 I often find myself zoning out, random times when it's just me & my thoughts, I go through this list of to-do's.  I should get with it and go make it happen.   What am I doing while the rest of America is running around making their dreams come true? I should probably get a job or something.  Then I have a mini-panic attack.
But even though this pressure in me exists, I sense God telling me otherwise.

Otherwise about Himself. 
 About who He is & what He's really like.

And He is much like a Dad.  And I, His child. I feel like God is telling me: sometimes it's okay to do nothing.  It's okay to be a child.  Who said I can't be a child?

And what does one expect from a child? Well.. you don't expect anything from a child.

The Lord looks at me like a Father looks at His little kid.

So give yourself a break. Relax. Chill. And whatever it is you're doing today, hear God say to you that you don't have to go about making it all happen.  No pressure. Sometimes it's okay to do nothing.  You can be like a kid. 

There are seasons & stages.  There is a time & a place to work & I get that.  But sometimes it's okay not to have an agenda, not have your whole life organized. We should really Sabbath more. Sometimes it's okay to just sit & wait upon the Father.  

"As a Father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him." Psalm 103:13

Home Sweet Home

My rendition of Psalm 84.  Thanks to the amplified Bible & other translations for their help.

How lovely is your house O Lord almighty! 

My soul yearns & is homesick for the living room 

of the Lord; my heart & my body cry out & sing 

for joy to the God who is alive. I love hanging out 

with you & each new day I'm excited to meet up 

with you again! Even the birds feel right at home & 

build their nests in your house-near your altar. 

O Lord of the stars, my King & my God. Blessed

are those who live with you, who move in with you & 

are in your presence.  Those who are your roommates 

will be singing & getting their dance on all day long. 

Blessed is the man who has strength to travel on the road to God's city. 

Passing through sad alleys, they make it a place of springs, like sprinklers

that water the green grass on warm summer days.  The rain fills this dry land 

with blessings. They gain more strength with every step, getting stronger 

& stronger, until each of the travelers finally meets up with God in His city. 

O Lord of all the stars of the sky, hear my prayer, listen to me oh God. Look 

upon our leaders God, let us be your favorite ones. 

One day in your living room is better than a ton somewhere else.  I'd rather 

be a maid in God's house than be spoiled & rich in the mansion of evil people. 

Because God is a sun & shield; The Lord grants present grace & favor & future 

heavenly bliss! He won't hold back on any goodness from those who walk in 

the right direction.  Oh Lord of all, including the stars, happy is the man who 

leans on you & is confidently looking to you. 

Love in every language

January 23, 2012 

I've been having such a great time here in Thailand.  I'm frustrated that I can't speak the language & the attempts I've made to communicate  have failed.  Epically.  Ha! I've also done some dumb things culturally where I've felt like such an idiot & the natives have just laughed & laughed.  Oh well.  I guess it's okay to mess up, & maybe they find it endearing.  The song "Show You Love" by Jars of Clay comes to mind:

        I'm gonna show you a love in every language

        I'm gonna speak with the words that need no form

        I'm gonna give you what you never had before

But there are some things that are universal.  Smiles. Touch.  Laughter.  Everyone knows & needs these things.  They are what makes us human.  Love knows no language.  I don't understand what they are saying & they don't understand what I am saying, but it doesn't matter.  I am here.  They are here & it is enough just to be around each other.  We can be a present to someone with our presence alone, to paraphrase Jack Johnson.  Cheesy, yes. But true nonetheless.

I wanted to share a journal I wrote this past Sunday.

January 22, 2012: Today at church in the village we sang "How Great Thou Art" in a bunch of different languages. English, Thai, Romanian, Portuguese, Finnish, German. "Every nation, every tongue." That is awesome to me to experience a glimpse of  the universal church.  God you are bigger than language.  Than culture.  You bring true culture, true community, true life.  You make us truly human.

Also, today I found out my cat died a couple days ago.  I found out on facebook.  I was in shock.  I wept.  I wept because I am the one who brought my cat home a couple years ago, while I was still in university.  I wept because he was part of the family & I wept because of the way I found out, no one told me, I had to find out through facebook through my sister's post; a crummy way to get bad news if you ask me. But if I could feel such remorse, such sadness over a cat, how much more does God feel for these people here.  For these orphan kids who don't have two parents to call their own.  This experience has given me a little inside into the heart of God.  It's weird how God is teaching me lessons these days. 

And as promised, here is a journal from the heart of God to me, and to you too.

December 14, 2011 "You have the freedom to be a child."

December 18, 2011 "Child, child, don't do anything.  Let good come to you.  All good things come from my hand.  You can't rush these things. It's coming. It's on the horizon. Soon. Soon.  You will hear a symphony.  You will see my hand orchestrating it.  You will watch as it all happens.  Like a play.  Watch as my artist's hand comes to make a masterpiece.  I set the lonely in families.  I will make a family for you, where you are my children & I'm your Father.  Trust my rhythm. I know this. I'm good at this.  I will make love & faithfulness meet together, I will make righteousness & peace kiss each other. I will gather all my children.  I am preparing a place for you.  You will indeed see for yourself all the goodness I have stored up for you.  Don't lose heart, don't give in, I have so much for you.  But believe in me.  Believe I can do it.  Believe I am good.  Believe I am not holding out.  I am preparing all things, making all things right & beautiful! Oh how great is my goodness which I have laid up for you my girl because you fear me & revere & worship me.  I have goodness which I have wrought, formed & fashioned for you because you trust & take refuge in me. psalm 31:19. My girl I got this! I have a plan. You just relax.  I know what I am doing.  You can put all your hope in me." 

What it's like here...

January 9, 2012

 I've spent 3 weeks in Malaysia & now I'm Thailand for the next 7 weeks. That is nuts!

I haven't posted a blog since Thanksgiving.  Wow.  But I have written in my journal, nearly everyday.  And God has been speaking me.  One of the things I've learned while being at ywam is how much God wants to speak to me. So I've been practicing hearing His voice.  And usually it's me just writing out my prayers, usually complaining & then His response to my complaints.  And it's always good. 

Before I write about that, I want to clarify something.  This whole trip has not been roses & sunflowers. "To touch the rose unfearful is to meet the thorn" as Jars of Clay puts it & let me tell you it's been more thorny than I thought.  I have more trouble than I'd like to think, and the trouble is within my own heart.  I can't pretend or run away here.  I am stuck with a group of people & I have to face them & face myself .  Facing yourself is one big mess;  a  real beast of a thing.  I find within my own heart a selfish little girl. But God loves this selfish little girl.  And that to me, is one amazing thing. 

So to start off this new year, I'm going to share God's responses.  It's for me but it's for you too, & that is pretty sweet! I'm also going to throw in some random thoughts that I've come to discover about God as well.  

December 8, 2011: My daughter, do not worry, have no fear for I know you.  I know you dearly & I will not let  you go.  I will not answer your every request you have of me because I see the big picture.  I am looking ahead.  You can trust that I know all & there are some things you won't understand yet.  You cannot fathom my understanding, it's unsearchable.  You don't always get what you want, but I will give you better than what you want.  You don't even know what you want, I'll know for you.  Trust me daughter, I've got this.  I love you! I am for you. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 22, 2011
I'm listening to Christmas music at the library and I realize that it's been almost a month since my last update.  I almost dread writing because there is so much to say and words do not suffice to describe all that is happening with me.  

I'm going to miss spending Thanksgiving on Thursday with my family and with my friends on our traditional Friday Thanksgiving potluck.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Each student had to present about a name of God for 5 minutes. The goal is to practice for outreach and condense all we want to say.  It's been really fun doing this & trying to come up with something deep & profound in just a couple of minutes.   The last presentation this past Friday was very impactful to me; the Lion of the tribe of Judah.  I wasted lots of time late Thursday night just getting lost on the subject of Jesus as the lion researching facts about lions and listening to their roar on The National Geographic website. 

Something happened towards the end of my little speech that I can only define as the Spirit of the Lord touching me.  As some of you may or may not know, I am a pretty emotional person, but it is kind of hard to cry in front of people.  Oh, I'll cry at a movie in the dark but I try to avoid it in public.  

But I was moved to tears by the thought that God used the tribe of Judah, the 5th born of the least favored wife of Jacob and the one who was the intercessor of his little brother.  Jesus the humble king, who chose to come to us as a baby; weak, subtle, quiet, unexpected.  This is Judah.  I heard somewhere that Jesus did not come through the Levites as one would expect but through the tribe of Judah, good ol' Judah who is a lot like me; unnoticed, weak, a train wreck.  

I was moved by Jesus humble ways, and the foreshadow of Jesus in Genesis 44 when Judah was willing to take his brother's place to be a slave, to take the blame, to carry all the weight of the consequence because He knew how much the Father loved his brother.  And he loved his brother.  He did it for his brother & for his Father.  


I am very excited & nervous, in about ten days we will leave for our outreach to Malaysia & Thailand. Woot! Crazy! We will be working with kids mostly so it should be lots of fun but super busy.  Please send out a prayer for us. 


I've changed a lot since I came here.  My views on a lot of things are different like the Holy Spirit & Reformed theology etc.  I'd be happy to share but I think that is enough information for now. 

How about an update eh?!

October 25, 2011 

I went back home for my friend Dana & Casey's wedding which was super fun & I got to see my family too which was really special for me!  

This past week we were in Alberta, Canada, the next province over which is about a 14 hour drive from where we live. We went to a conference along with three other ywam schools from across Canada.  It was called the "Go Conference" to make us aware of the unreached across the world like the countries in the 10/40 window.  For more information about this conference or summaries of each day visit: http://www.ywamnexia.org/mobilizing/conferences.html

Today is day 44 since I've been here & I must say it's been awesome.  And sometimes the awesome-ness is also very difficult & filled with self confrontation.  I feel attacked many times in my sleep by bad dreams & also by my thoughts of distraction.  I feel self conscious & battle lies I've believed for years.  

I've noticed that I am afraid to ask God what He thinks or what is next.  I'm afraid of God.  Wow. Isn't that weird?! I'm afraid because I am so unclean, so ashamed of myself, of my humanity & I'm afraid to be rejected.  But this is not God's heart towards me, towards us.  He loves us.  He has good news for me.  

As you may or may not know, I love Jars of Clay & love singing God those songs.  What is absolutely incredible is that when I do set out to ask God what He thinks of me & the mess I've made or what is His heart towards me, I find that He is singing those songs back to me.  That is so touching.  I am brought to tears! Such tender love.  

Some of the things God says to me is

"I want to make you sing another love song. I want you to trust someone, me. Let me pick you up. Don't bury your head full of shame, you look like me!" 

"No one loves you like me" 

Ugh! Such good news.  So though I beat myself up, God's love reaches to the heavens & His faithfulness to the skies. (psalm 36:5)

That is a good enough update for now.  More to come, I'm sure! 

Love, Linda

For the world you love

October 1, 2011

God loves the world.  The broken. The sick. The weary.  The oppressed.  Especially the oppressed.

Every Thursday we have intercession for the world.  This week's topic was human trafficking.  I was appalled, disturbed and just really really angry at what I found.  

God is angry too.

I found out that human trafficking is going on all over the world.  It is defined as selling people for forced labor or sexual exploitation.   Most women who are prostitutes are kidnapped & forced into the industry from all parts of the world; they think they will work as a nanny or housekeeper in another country.  Many of these women come from China, Korea, Eastern Europe, places like Moldova, & Ukrainian orphanages, yes the people who run the orphanages actual arrange for the orphan girls & boys to be sold. 

The bottom line in all of this is that God cares about these people.  There are people out there that are addicted to pornography & most of those women in those videos are trafficked.  They are adding to human traffic injustice & they think that what they are doing is only affecting them.

This really pisses me off!! It makes me really angry & I believe it makes God angry.  He wants us to do something about it.  After the prayer, I was left angry & helpless.  I thought about what God wanted me to do.  And here is the first step.  I can raise your awareness about this topic.  I encourage you to take a second to pray for those oppressed & watch Timea's 8 minute video depicting her story, one of the millions of people trafficked.  http://thetruthisntsexy.ca/pages/page-2

My Canada Experience So Far..

September 24, 2011 

Well here I am at the library on our day off.  It's been an amazing time so far, feels like I've been here forever but it's only week 3 wild! 

I love not having a computer or a phone, makes me think I was made to be technology free. 

There is so much to say about what's been going on, so much that I feel that I can't put into words or describe, you just gotta be here.  But I'll try... 


First of all, we have a schedule to follow each day, & it is a full one!  Each day we have class for about four hours a day then in the afternoon for about three and a half hours we do things like community involvement, one on ones, outreach preparation & intercession, bible study, processing & review.  Every afternoon the schedule changes so we don't do all those things in one day.


We also have work duties and my work duty along with two others is to prepare the meal each night Monday-Friday.  Mom, you'd be so proud! It's great because the food & recipe is already prepared for us, all we have to do is put it all together, I've really enjoyed doing this. Cooking for twenty people each night, wow I didn't think I could do that.


So what am I learning so far?  Well this week we had a guest speaker named Luba and she spoke about hearing the voice of God, I took like fourteen pages of notes, yikes! 
But here's are some things that stood out to me: 
Sometimes God's answer needs to come in a group setting.
Am I living for God's glory? If so, it doesn't matter how long it takes. 
There are promises to those who fear God. 
God cares about our healing & the world. 
Hearing God is a process, the process of relationship. 
God cherishes intimacy over activity. 
Relationship is mostly intimacy & communication. 
God can't be put in a box because He wants us continuously in relationship, asking. 
God does not see us as damaged but as just what He wanted. 


We also had a time of prayer with Luba & the staff where we each took turns confessing lies we've believed about God, ourselves or others & then they spoke over us truth & what God says.  It was amazing! 


I've had a chance to have some amazing conversations with people while we walked to the little Asian church we're renting, or while we're cooking, or just hanging out before we go to sleep.  Throughout these convos I've noticed that we are struggling, we are each wanting desperately to hear God's voice on what to do, and how to be but it is hard.  Which makes me think that there is a war going on, that what we are doing is primarily spiritual & the things that we are struggling with whether it's an insecurity, or an annoyance, or a distraction is spiritual & we must pray that God would help us & not let the enemy win.  


So with all that said, what you could do after reading this is send up a prayer for us, the students, the speakers, the staff.  God is definitely at work! 


Love you guys!

The Pruning Season

February 3, 2011
Based on Scripture reflection from John 15:2, "and every tree that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit."

Farmers know that pruning happens every year.  I saw a video on how to prune a vine & it had diagrams.  Some particular diagrams had fruit while others were completely empty, just lonely branches.  The vinedresser knows just because the vine doesn't have fruit at a certain time doesn't mean it's unfruitful.  It just means it's not the season of harvest.  My friend Laura wrote an email about this topic:

"Every season is not a harvest season.  There are plowing seasons, planting seasons, watering seasons, etc.  Without the other seasons we wouldn't really be prepared or fully matured.  It is during the plowing season (pruning) that God brings to light what needs to be dealt with."

Pruning is good & right.  Even though it may not look like anything worthy of fruit is happening-that is exactly what is going on. The vinedresser knows that pruning will make the branches able to produce more & even better fruit. 

 Humbled & joyful-being pruned should leave us in this state of mind of two seemingly opposites; knowing we can't do it all & we need God, but God loves us & is completely smitten by us & He wants my joy to be full John 15:11, "that your joy may be full."

The most healthy & beautiful fruit come from vines that have been pruned & tended to.  Pruning is like being humbled: no leaves, no fruit, empty, naked, torn, seemingly useless. But when we see that it's not us it's the vindresser, it's not the branches rather it's the vine, then we can rejoice & be happy with the pruning because we trust the vine, the vinedresser & the process of growing fruit. 

Joy in humility
How can we be happy when we are aware of our wretched putrid sin?  When we're truly humble, we see don't see us anymore, we see God.  And He is the reason for our joy because of who He is. Zephaniah 3:19 "God says, "I will save the lame... I will appoint them for praise & fame in every land where they were put to shame." I trust that fruit will grow because the vine dresser is cultivating me. Pruning makes us ever aware that it's not about the branches, but about the vinedresser. 

The knowledge of evil

July 23, 2011

I'm so hurt & broken by human suffering, by what our sins have done to us, by the vicious cycle of hiding.  We have all believed the lie that we have never been loved, the lie that was told to Adam & Eve.  Oh humanity what have we done? All of us have lost the innocence of knowing we are loved. Sure we have knowledge, like the enemy promised: knowledge of suffering, hurt, pain, devastation.

The knowledge that we lost, because we gained knowledge of evil, is that we are loved. But God restores this knowledge to us.

But we run to other humans to try to gain the knowledge that we are loved. Human love will never be enough for us.  We are broken cisterns that will run dry. 

We are all shadows. Everything here on earth is a shadow of the reality in Christ. My dad was never supposed to be the real thing.  The best my dad had to offer me is just a shadow of who God is, & I can look to the shadow to expect something greater. 

My dad couldn't give me what I needed-who could?  The truth I am coming to realize is the only one who could give me knowledge that I am loved is God.  God's essence is love.  From Him can we be loved.  He is the source. 

This happens by the cross.  The cross tells us we are loved & God absorbs the knowledge of evil.  God has cried all the tears of the world.  The hurt & brokenness I feel is a small magnitude of what God felt on the cross.  God put our tears in His bottle like the psalmist says & poured them out on the cross when He took our shame, our sin & everything that comes with sin.  All the repercussions: pain, sorrow, anxiety, heart break. 

What we feel, You've felt more. You've been feeling for all eternity, since You had the cross in mind before the foundations of the world.  What You have done to show Yourself fully intimate, fully close must far outweigh any hurt, pain, or devastation that You endured.  Your Father heart fully arrayed in love must be so worth it that all the suffering that ever happened, all the sin of the world combined can't even taint what You are going to show us.  For You had this all planned out.  And You counted the cost & in Your everlasting wisdom, You saw that the end would far outweigh the means. 

 The pain is worth the thunder

This strong intimate God

July 9, 2011

"God regulates the universe by the mighty power of His command." Hebrews 1:3

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart." Psalm 34:18

God is so big.  Big enough to fill the needs of my heart.  I've been writing about brokenness, but I've come to realize that writing about it & accepting it are two different things.  It's so hard to embrace the brokenness & just sit in it, it's so painful. 

I guess God has allowed this breaking to show me I am in need.  I am so in need of You God.  You are so big, yet so close.  You regulate this universe, yet you break my heart so I can run to You.  You want me near.  You want to show me Your goodness, to whisper Your love. Your word is so strong that You uphold all things by it, yet Your words to me are so kind & romantic. 

I admit God that only You can be my dream.  My dream of a family, of a husband are found in You, oh God! I only want to dream of You, those dreams are real.  So God, use my broken heart to bring You glory.  Lord I return my heart to You, You are the only one that can fill my heart.  You are all I've got Lord. 

Lord, You are everything I've been looking for, all the movies, all the songs, all the sunsets, all the moments, all the longings are found in You. 

God meet me here...all along I was looking for You...I am looking for You...I'll always be looking for You.

"To have found You & still be looking for You
It's the soul's paradox of love
Ah You fill my cup, I lift it up for more
I won't stop now that I'm free
I'll be chasing You like You chased me" -newsboys

For all the Benjamins

“The beloved of the Lord shall rest securely & safely in Him, for He shields & shelters him all day long & the one the Lord loves shall dwell between His shoulders.” Deuteronomy 32: 12

This is a prophecy for Benjamin, you can read his story in Genesis 35:16-19. 

All this has inspired the following post:

June 28, 2011

From the beginning, Benjamin had life hard.  His birth gave way to his mother’s death. But, the way things started is not how things ended for good ol’ Benja.  You see, his dad changed his name. Instead of being “a son of sorrow,” he became “a son of my right hand.” Instead of pain, his Father brought him close to a place of intimacy, favor, grace.

Isn’t that what we all want? We don’t want to be failures, disappointments.  Because of Jesus, we have, all of us, become Benjamins.

Favored.

Brought close.

Invited inside; into the heart of our Father.  Daddy promises us we are beloved, we will be safe, we will be close to Him. 

We are resting between His shoulders. We beg, “Daddy pick me up! I wanna see!” And just like that, He comes in & swoops us off our feet placing us between His shoulders.  With our arms around His neck, we can feel the rumble of His laughter as He shows us things we have never seen, heard or anticipated.  Things so much better than our finest dreams.  What we’ve been hoping for all our lives has come true. 

But it’s not in the things He shows us that we are satisfied. No, it’s not where we are or what we are doing, but rather who we’re with. It’s our position with our Dad. It’s being with Him that we have our blessed longing fulfilled.  We are content here with our Dad & it is enough.

Wayward Lamb

As I read "The Prophet" by Francine Rivers about Amos, the shepherd-prophet, something stood out to me that I learned just a couple of months ago & God has providentially reminded me of this very important concept.  When we think God is against us, it is just then that He is lovingly caring & tending to us personally, like a shepherd with his wayward lamb.  

"He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms & carries them close to His heart.." Isaiah 40: 11

"Prone to wander Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.  Here's my heart Lord take & seal it. Seal it for thine courts above." -Hymn

"God's grace orders our suffering & in the midst of pain is there to sustain us." -JS

 Here's the excerpt:

Coming to a rise, Amos spotted the lamb standing near some bushes.  As he approached, he saw its wool had snagged in a  thorn bush.  One hard tug, and the lamb could have freed itself, but it was not in his nature to do so.  Instead, the animal would stand still until rescue came-or a predator, eager to make a meal of him.

Amos stood grimly, considering what to do.  Less than a week ago, he had been forced to kill the lamb's mother.  He had known for months he might have to dispatch her, but held off doing so because she was perfectly proportioned with well-set, alert eyes & was one of the strongest sheep in his flock.  But her stubborn habits had endangered the entire flock.  Half a dozen times he had rescued her & her offspring.  He had hoped to give the lambs more time to be fully weaned & on their own.  Now, it seemed he had waited too long, for the lamb had learned his mother's bad habits.

"It's this or death, little one." Amos took a stone from his pouch, weighing it in his hand.  To heavy and it would kill the lamb; too light & it would not serve to discipline him.  Amos swung his sling & released the stone, striking the lamb in a front leg, just above the knee.  With a startled bleat of pain, the lamb went down.

Tears burning, Amos went to the wounded lamb & knelt. "I am here, little one.  I would rather wound you myself than see you come to greater harm."  He knew after a gentle examination that the leg was broken, but not shattered.  It would heal.  "You belong with the flock, not out here on your own where death will find you." He worked quickly, binding the leg & tugging the lamb free of the brambles.  "I know I hurt you, but better you suffer an injury that will heal than become dinner for a prowling lion." He ran his hand gently over the lamb's head. "You will learn to stay close to me where you're safe." He cupped the lamb's head & breathed into its face. "No struggling or you will cause yourself more pain." He gently lifted the lamb onto his shoulders & carried him back to the flock.

The goats grazed in the hot sun, but the sheep still rested in the shade, ruminating.  Amos sat on a flat rock that gave him a full view of the pasture. Lifting the lamb from his shoulders, he held it close.  "You will learn to trust me & not to think you can find better forage on your own.  I will lead you to green pastures & still waters." He took a few grains of wheat from the scrip he wore at his waist & shared his food with the lamb. "Sometimes I must wound in order to protect." He smiled as the lamb ate from his hand. "You will get used to my voice & come when I call." He rubbed the notch in the lamb's ear. "You bear my mark, little one. You are mine. Let me take care of you."

Why God always leaves you limping

                                                                                                                                    July 12, 2011

A friend asked me to write on the Peniel blog. I said, "It won't be about fluffy-just-love-God stuff. Following God isn't always going to be Peniel. You won't always see His face, sometimes He hides, sometimes He's distant, sometimes He breaks your heart. What then? "

But Going back to the Genesis 32 story, I realize that following God will always in fact be Peniel. It is when God ruins all our plans, when everything is taken away from us, when relationships are torn, when life sucks, that God is most present. My favorite quote says "God is with us most when things just can't get worse." You see, Peniel happens right in the middle of our mess.

But we don't like messes. We like to clean everything up, put on our Sunday best & act like everything is ok. When we do that, we miss God. We miss his greatness because we are so focused on putting on a show for everyone, we miss His comfort because we pretend like we don't need it.  It is when we are the weakest & admit to it & confess it that God comes to our rescue.

Jac did not go to camp for a weekend to get away from it all. He did not have some grand epiphany moment & walk on roses after his meeting with God. No, he was actually going to meet his dome, his brother who wanted to kill him. This was messy. The moment of Jac's greatest fear is the moment that God shows up & meets him face-to-face. So many times we come from high places at camp or missions, experiencing something truly amazing & we think that is the face of God, but the more I walk with God the more I am convinced that it is in the dryness, the low times, the times when we are desperate that God meets us. He is wrestling with us.

Of all the things God could of chose to do, He wrestles? Hmm..weird. What is God's purpose in having us wrestle Him? Maybe God wants to show us who He is. We see His strength & His power. If Jac never wrestled with God, he wouldn't have experienced His grip, his tight hold. Losing with God makes us strong, Jac left broken, limping, he left humbled yet joyful, God could of crushed him.  Although it was never God's intent to destroy him, maybe God was showing Jac who He was & who Jac was.

It's been said that men bond by wrestling, maybe in some weird way God & Jac were getting closer by working it out. That God would want to struggle with us, what grace!

Philip Yancey writes:

"God does not give in easily. He seems to welcome the persistence that keeps on fighting long after the match has been decided. We are all children of God, all of us God-wrestlers who cling to God in the dark, who declare "I will not let you go." To us belong the blessing, the birthright, the Kingdom. As the touch on Jacob's socket proved, God could have ended the match any point during that long night in the desert. Instead the elusive figure lingered, as eager to be held as Jacob was to hold." 

Now that is intimacy. After Jac's rendezvous, his fear vanishes & he's left with a sense of gratitude for God's mercy & goodness because He has a deeper sense of who God is.  The God who meets us when it all goes wrong, when we have nothing left. The God that is so strong to destroy us in one instant, is the gracious God who instead has us experience Him & walk away limping.

Broken Hearts

June 5, 2008

My meditation on Psalm 51& Hosea 6: 

God breaks us that we may come back to Him, by this breaking & humbling we are shown who we really are & who God really is.

Who God is: lovingly kind, full of tender mercies, just & blameless, generous

Who we are: transgressor, treacherous, sinner, evildoer, evil, robber, harlot, full of iniquity, dirty, guilty, murderer 

What God wants is a heart fully dependant on Him.  A heart that knows Him & seeks Him. 

God wants the deepest part of us, our broken heart. But why? Why does my heart matter to God? Why does He make it so that my heart is broken? Why is a person with their heart broken running to God pleasing to Him? 

Because: when you see who you really are, you're disgusted. No more lies, no more masks, this is vulnerability at its fullest.  The stark contrast between you & God is so huge it makes you desperate. 

God breaks us in order that we may be made in His image & clean us up. We need to be remade. When we've done all we could & we find ourselves still broken, still a mess, then we go to God & He'll take it.  He can work with us now that we are mold-able & willing because now we have no choice, we have no where else to go. 

A desire to be made clean not by ourselves but by God will restore us back-back to communion-back to intimacy with Him-back to where true joy is found in His presence. And there broken, frail, contrite, torn, we'll know the feeling of wholeness-completeness, newness, healing. In the place of contriteness, we serve God most.