The Unsatisfied Soul

May 1, 2011 

I have so much bitterness in my heart towards people who judge me, but who are people?  Why do I base my worth through the eyes of fallen humanity?  Why are not my eyes set on God?  God, I have doubts, about myself, about what others think about me, I feel lost.  Do I belong anywhere?  But I’ve been looking down, my view has been on the earthly way of doing things, on mere humans, on myself.  It’s time to look up.  Time to see that the recognition & affirmation of man is a vain pursuit.  It’s not about me, not about my background, family, my good works.  It’s about God.  It’s about Him getting the Glory.  My only Hope is in You God.  You are the point of life.  Everything else is a vain pursuit, a waste and completely void of meaning.  Ecclesiastes screams of the ache of the unsatisfied soul & nothing a man does can ever fill the void, the deep emptiness of the soul.

Ecclesiastes…

“Nor is his eye satisfied with riches” 4:8

“but his soul is not satisfied with goodness” 6:3

“adding one thing to the other to find out the reason which my soul still seeks but I cannot find” 7:28

But with God, with God..

“He who fears God will escape them all” 7:18

“Yet I surely know that it will be well with those who fear God” 8:12

“the righteous & the wise & their works are in the hand of God” 9:1

“but for him who is joined to all the living there is hope” 9:4

“fear God & keep His commands. For this is mans all” 12:4

When we awake to the glory that all of life should point to Him, life comes together. All the pieces make a huge bright arrow pointing up, pointing to who He is, to what He’s done, to what He’s doing. No matter how broken & crumpled things are.  It’s for His Glory, all this dysfunction, all of this falleness is a backdrop for His Glory to shine.  The entire world is for the display of God’s Glory-that’s the point.  That’s the point of life- all of life is pointing to You Oh God!

That God gets the glory even in our despair, that He is at work here breaking our hearts, breaking us of our outward man.  God is bringing us to the wilderness to show us “His love is better than life” psalm 63.  To show us how empty we are, to show us desperation.  The answer to the despair of Ecclesiastes is Psalm 63.  

 My soul shall be satisfied in Your love psalm 63

Lost & Found

God is able to recover what I've lost. And even give me more than I had before. It takes faith to view life this way. Like nothing is wasted, nothing is in vain, like even my failures God is able to sweep them up with his own hand & restore to me more than I've had or know. More than we could ask or think & imagine... Ephesians 3... Luke 15

Power Trip

Hmmm a couple things I'd like to explore is first when I get confused, I tend to be depressed. Why is that? It might have something to do with my need to be in control. When one is confused, one is dependent on someone to guide them & help them understand. I guess I don't like that. I see it as a sign of weakness, a vulnerable spot to be in. Why can't I just accept confusion? Why can’t I accept the fact that at times I just won't know things-it's ok to be in the dark? The ignorance of a child is a good thing because they are worried about the things they need to be worried about like playing, and stories, and laughing. Just like that child, I should be worried about stuff like spending time with my dad, loving & enjoying others & accepting the seasons with joy & thanksgiving. Being confused & not knowing things is a sign of weakness, vulnerability, and dependency. But who said that is a bad thing anyway? The devil said. He wanted to be his own god- to rule, to know all- to control all. When I get at times in my life where I have this lust for control and knowledge for more than is good for me, I should stop & think whose example I am following- God or the devil.

The True North, strong and free!

 I'll be moving this fall & wanted to share my story as to how this came to be. 
Let me explain...

March 17, 2011

I come from a Romanian background-both my parents migrated to Chicago in the early '80s from Romania, where they meet & married.  In the Romanian community, you don't leave your house until you're married, parents are often insulted & personally offended if this happens. Being second out of six, a quiet place of retreat is pretty difficult to come by to say the least.  I haven't been away from my family for more than two months but, I've had this ache to go to missions school for a while now.  

I was part of a grass roots organization  since 2003 & went on short term mission trips to Romania, The Republic of Moldova, & Mexico. It was inspiring & eye opening.  I never thought I would go on mission trips.  I was always looking out for myself as a kid & vaguely remember missionaries coming to my church talking about missions, and hating it because I just didn't want to think about those things.  I wanted to live my life the way I wanted to; the poor,unwanted people just got in the way.  Then I went to Romania & Moldova, and talk about a culture shock & being humbled, I never thought people could live like that, & here I was living a selfish me-centered life. God really touched my heart & I kept going year after year becoming addicted to Romania & Moldova & loving it.           

It was on my heart since 2006 to dedicate a year to serving the Lord. In 2009, while visiting Iasi, Romania a friend randomly asked me to join her at a YWAM seminar. After the 8 hour day, I looked around the YWAM site & realized I could do something like this.  For the next two years, I began praying & searching for the right YWAM base. After writing many YWAM schools all over the world, I decided to go with the one that kept the communication lines open & was prompt in answering any questions. 

The journey's been full of heart changes, healing, & becoming financially stable, but after all this time, God has lead me to what I believe is the right school in this season of my life. 

 Now, I realize that I can be intentional & live out the gospel in community right here at my job, in my family, but somehow I feel like I need to just get away for a little & see life from a different perspective.  I really want to experience God on a whole new level. I know He can reveal Himself  in my room, but I feel that moving & living in community & being willing to get out of my comfort zone, I will grow even more.
  

I've been thinking & praying about this idea for such a long time & it has really been a big goal of mine.  I tend to be very territorial & possessive & when I get an idea I just hold on to it for dear life, I know that at one point this has been a sort of idol & I'll admit that I have had to wrestle with the idea of never being able to go & do something like this. It would be very hard for me if I wasn't able to go to school or do something like this.  I don't want to base my hopes in school or in an experience.  I want to be dependent on God.  It's not about the school or the place or the trip, it's about seeing God in the trip, the journey, the school.  I don't want to idolize this idea of going away or serving. I want to have a pure heart in this. 

I want to do this not because this will help me to find who I am but because I know who I am already regardless of where I am.  Regardless of what I'm doing, it's holy because I am God's temple.  I struggle with that. I don't know if I can be like Abraham & be willing to give up Isaac.  I definetely need prayer to just let it go, whatever "it" is & just let God lead wherever He sees fit.  And that is why I'm scared.  A scared 25 year old.  You can just imagine.  

It's been quite the journey for me.  I see how God has really transformed this scared, insecure teenager who always played it safe into a girl who is longing & aching for adventure & for God's very best.  I do want to experience God's best in every aspect of life. I don't want to live a mediocre, common life.

Let the adventure begin . . .

God is good..

                                                                                                                               November 11, 2010

Anyone who is not walking in God's paths cannot retain or receive any goodness-God alone is good & His path is goodness. Everything else is just destruction & folly. 

"Nor do they regain the paths of life-so they may walk in the way of goodness, & keep the paths of righteousness.  For the upright will dwell in the land, & the blameless will remain in it; but the wicked will be cut off from the earth, & the unfaithful will be uprooted from it." Proverbs 2:20-22

"You will show me the path of life." Psalm 16:11

November 14, 2010

God has promised good to us.  The problem is that our eyes, hearts & minds are so tainted that we don't even know what good is anymore.  God has to give us new eyes to see real, true goodness.  So Lord if this is the only line I'll every sing: may I sing it will all my heart: "The Lord is good.. The Lord is good!"

God your paths drip with abundance , they overflow with goodness.  I accept Lord! I wholeheartedly accept, embrace & rejoice in your goodness.  Your goodness was all over me in the past, in the present, and will be in the future. 

You just keep giving & giving & giving.  No wonder why Your path is the path of life. Help me to live in Your goodness & to rejoice in it.  That is after all the purpose of man: to enjoy God forever!

When I feel alone...

"To all who are looking down, holding onto hearts still wounded." joc
April 17, 2011

For 32 years Jesus lived His life unnoticed.  The Son of God- unnoticed.  Do those two words even belong in the same sentence? Talk about humility.  I'm sure Jesus had lonely days: probably didn't have many friends, was misunderstood, belonged to another time: no time really, was rejected, was different.  When He spoke of the parable of the lowly seat, surely He knew what he was talking about.  He became obedient, He took the lowliest seat, the last one, God became man.  How small He became.  He was obedient even to the very point of death, and not only death but death on a cross, what shame.  Jesus was lonely.

If anyone ever felt alone, it must of been the creator.  Going unnoticed by His own creation that He Himself spoke into existence.  Why did Jesus go through this?  Thirty two years of apparent waste.  As Hebrews says, He is a high priest who knows how to sympathize with us.  God went through loneliness to reach us.  He reached into our loneliness, the loneliness of being forgotten, the emptiness of trying to fill the dark night of the soul.  Looking out into a crowd of people hoping to belong, to be someone that matters, to be a part of something.

It's hard to be a reject, just ask Jesus.  Jesus was a reject so I wouldn't have to be a reject to the only one that matters: God. 

Christ took upon Himself all the rejection, hurt, & pain of being fallen from His birth to His death, so I would be forever accepted.  Called.  Called by name, taken by the hand, sought out a city not forsaken so echoes Isaiah.  God became God-forsaken so we wouldn't have to be-there is now no dilemma so grave that God hasn't been in, that God cannot relate to.  Oh God relates! He knows what it means.

The Kingdom of God

March 8, 2008


"The Kingdom of God does not come with observation, nor will they say 'see here' or 'see there'! For indeed the Kingdom of God is within you." Luke 17:20         
                                               
"You also as living stones, are being built up a spiritual house, a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.  But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." 1 Peter 2:3,9  
                                   
"Do you know that you are the temple of God & that the spirit of God dwells in you?" 1 Corinthians 3:16    
                                                                                                                                         
Because of what the Lord Jesus Christ has done by making us Holy through His blood on the cross, we don't have to only go to a place like a church or temple to find God because God dwells in us-the Kingdom of God is within us-we are priests, we are the temple.      
                        
We don't always have to be only doing things like reading the Bible, praying, fasting, singing spiritual songs in order to glorify God for now in Christ everything we do, even the most ordinary & dull, becomes a spiritual sacrifice we offer up to God.             
                                       
A.W. Tozer writes, "the knowledge that we are all Gods will make everything sacred to us." He also writes, "let us practice the fine art of making every work a priestly ministration.  Let us believe that God is in all our simple deeds & learn to find him there."      
                                        
"And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord & not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance: for you serve the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:23-24             
                                                                                                                          
"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31    
                                                                                                                                        
Whatever you do? Laundry. Brushing your teeth.  Teaching tennis.  Laying granite.  Caring for the elderly.  Everything means everything.   
                                                                                         
Because of Christ everything now has the possibility of being a holy sacrifice of worship that is pleasing to God, even a cup of cold water offered to the thirsty.    
                                                    
"In the mundane tasks of living
In the pouring out & giving
In the waking up & trying
In the laying down & dying
That's a little stone, that's a little mortar
That's a little seed, that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons & the daugthers the Kingdom's coming" -Sara Groves      
                            
When we offer everything that we do, even if doesn't necessarily look holy or spiritual, we are actually building God's Kingdom.        
                                                                                                          
This will help me that next time I am flipping a burger or teaching fourteen-year-olds how to write a paper.  Understanding that because of Christ my very life lived is bringing God glory. That as I am working, playing, enjoying life, I am serving the Lord Christ.  Understanding this will help me understand when Christ says that Kingdom of God is within me.