Confession

This is quite difficult: I am going to share a very personal journal.  One I wrote just last night. But this is me being vulnerable.  Whoever you are reading, here is my confession.  

 Earlier this week, I was feeling so proud of myself for starting a blog.  Pshhh... like these are my ideas anyway. I'm so prideful.  I don't have it all together. I know, I'm a sinner.
Anyway, here is last night's journal.   

January 7, 2011

What do I want? I want to be cool. I want to be popular. I want to be the one everyone wants. If I am really being real that is what I want. I want to be famous. I want to be lovely & charming & beautiful. How prideful I am. I don't want to be a person people feel sorry for, or a person people get annoyed by, or someone people just are sick of because I talk too much. Too this, too that.

 I guess a lot of times I don't believe that the hard way is the worth it way. I feel that taking the easy way out is better. I guess I haven't seen the results of doing the right thing.  I  started out doing the right thing thinking it will make me feel better & because it will work out the best for me. I was doing the right thing for my own advantage. Not out of the right motives, not the motivation of loving God. Selfish Linda.

I'm not right, I am so wrong here. Wow! Have I come so far that I am manipulating myself into thinking I'm right & I am doing the right thing? I've tricked myself. Now tell me how does that happen? Well I've believed the enemies lies. I've totally bought into it. And I thought it was God, and I thought I was doing the right thing.  Did I ever think that I myself can do the right thing? Is it not only in Christ that we are made righteous anyway?

Hmm.. Now I think I see why it's so hard for me to believe this truth. I'm living in the flesh & thinking it's the spirit, thinking I'm biblical when all along I am sowing my flesh. And I'm reaping my flesh- no duh? I like the flesh- I love the flesh, I want it to be all about me- I want to be the main character. My friend told  me yesterday that God is the main character & oft times we live like it's all about us, but this is God's story. I want it to my story.  When will my selfish heart get that it's not about me? The ultimate question is - do I love God or do I love myself? If I am going to be really honest, I have to say that I love myself way more ... shame on me ....

Hmmm well here I am God, I'm so fleshly, I've been faking it all this time. I've been sowing flesh, living in the flesh- pretending to be something I'm not. How do I get over this? I guess I don't do anything-  that's the gospel, God does it all. I just respond. God help me!

 I'm pretty down ... I'm pretty ruined, I'm undone.