Books you should read!

Hey everyone just wanted to send off a list of books I recommend for this season of life that I am in.  

I would call it healing. Yes, that's exactly what I would call it.  I feel like this has been a season of both love & pain, but it's been good.  

I will try to write more, it's been really busy & I haven't really felt like writing, but I feel like I am coming out of that & I'd like to share more of my thoughts & my heart soon. 

Stay tuned! 

Anyways, here are some books you should definitely get your hands on! 

Safe People 

From Bondage to Bonding 

How we love 

The Path to Healing 

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality 

Devastation & Reform

This is a poem  I wrote December 2, 2012 & finished this past Friday morning, not knowing the tragedy that would take place later that day.  It is a personal poem of wounding caused by words but I think it can be applied to literal death as well.  It is my way of grieving.  Grief over the fall, over sin, over our own hearts that need love. Desperately. The title is taken from Relient K's song with the same name. 

What is it about us that we can hurt with words?

This gift of communication wasn't it given to build?

Words are meant for intimacy & love not for destruction & rejection.

Of all the things the fall has broken one of em is our communication.

We slash & smash & cut deep wounds with the words that are supposed to be our healing.

 We are bruised & battered & we bruise & batter.

 Words do matter & the words we choose can be sticks & stones to our soul.

What we need is love & affirmation & the skill to be honest without giving out shanks, being real without being defensive.

How can we share that the other has hurt us without hurting in return?

 Is this what Jesus meant by turning the other cheek?

 Are we allowed to tell em how much it hurts yet not slap them back?

Isn't this what loving confrontation is?

 How did we take something like words that are supposed to bring us wholeness& make it something worse, something that we abuse & find power from & use instead to kill?

 We become addicted to the words of sarcasm, & smart remarks & even the harsh, cold words of insults.

 These are the ways the fall has infected us all.

Now we can't be vulnerable or even tell someone we need them become we have believed the lie that everyone is out to get us.

The first chance we get we will tell 'em how it is, we will tell 'em what we think of 'em.

Isn't it sad that those we hurt the most are those who have hurt us the most?

Why can't we just say it, why do we have to hide behind the words that hurt?

Isn't it exhausting playing in the masquerade & everyday you have a new way to hide?

We hide & seek behind the words so we don't have to tell 'em that they affect us & they make us feel a certain way about ourselves.

It's a sad sad world when you don't feel safe at home & those who are you close kin are those who betray you most.

Betrayed with a kiss, as the song goes "kiss you on the cheek, stab you in the back."

Jesus knew what it was to be betrayed by those who knew him best, even those whom his own hand created in their mother's womb.

For it was Jesus who spoke 139 all over Judas' life & yet it was Judas who sought to sell him.

Judas the betrayer, with words & actions & this too is the aftermath of the great fall.

Jesus knows how it is to be abused, rejected, even by his own, it's no wonder he felt so alone.

This gift of communication is supposed to bring us closer together but we have instead used it to draw us further apart.

You go your way & I'll go mine, what else can you do with someone who spits out fire from her mouth?

Worse than a dragon, more poisonous than a snake is a mouth filled with hate.

Yet how easily we can change from the victim to the knave.

We can switch roles & become the one who delivers blow.

A small weapon forges a great fire.

Why should we use our shovel as a shank?

Since when is this no man's land?

This is supposed to be Eden, the garden & the fruit & the trees.

It is supposed to be pleasant here.

Instead the fruit is rotting & blackness covers the vines. When our mouth becomes fire the land of plenty turns to ash.

All the nutrients are sucked dry from our bones.

Because this is what death does it kills us.

Words of death release into our hearts & turn it to stone & we become so tough & callous.

We've forgotten what it is to feel deep.

Because killing off one emotion kills them all.

Our emotions are so intricately connected that when one part of our heart dies, the other dies right along with it.

We need a new heart a heart of flesh.

We need new words spoken to us.

Words that won't hurt but that will bring relief like some good medicine to cure our infection.

Because poison can't be tolerated, even in small doses before it ruins your soul & kills the song of your heart.

But Jesus came, the ultimate EMT.

He's the one with the cross therapy resuscitating what's long been buried.

If you are like me, one who's had a funeral for your heart, had grief, made your peace & have accepted the death, won't you come to see that Jesus can bring back to life what the enemy has stolen, killed & destroyed?

Jesus can breathe in you & give you His commands.

Commands that are more like love letters.

Because God is not the God of the dead, He's alive & He wants all things to come to life. 

Cover me

Here's a poem I wrote November 3, 2012 

blinking lights & sinking ships with no where to rest our heads at night

twisting tunnels & dark intentions

no wonder we don't know where our heart is.

Lonely only looking for someone to own me

we have candy coated idols, convenient little statues we keep in our back pockets 

try to tell me but it doesn't add up, they're answers are not enough

catch a reflection of myself in the mirror

do I even know who I am?

do I even know where my heart is?

 heartless, heartflips, heartsits alone empty waiting to be filled

in a room by myself

empty chair

emty walls layed bare

can you tell me who I am?

can you tell me who I belong to?

I want to be me, but the struggle is that what I want is already trademarked by everyone else

what if the thing that sets us apart is the fact that we're really all the same?

 the same need rushing with the same speed full force striving to fill the empty gap inside my chest

why is it that we all like Halloween?

 do we like to dress like someone else & pretend just for one second that our lives has significance

 that we really are having fun

 that life is really black and white instead of a blend of monochromatic grays

 it's either trick or treat, this or that, but if only it were so easy

we are a blend of trick & treats, good and bad and no matter how hard we try

 how cute we dress we can't get rid of the gnawing feeling that something is missing that when we ring the door bell what we really want is to be invited in

 given more than candy, more than a greeting

we all want that feeling

of a warm fire, of a hot cup of chocolate waiting for us, with an embrace from someone who really knows us

because at the end of the day we want the feeling that we are known & enjoyed apart from our costume

what if we were laid bare, naked, exposed, even though we show it all, behind our tight clothes & low cut shorts are the layers & layers of flannel that cover us more than clothes

covers our hearts, our walls go up, afraid to show the world who we really are

because the fact you show off your body doesn't mean you have a naked soul

what if instead of dressing to impress we expose our souls

 what would it be like to really be known & left without any weapons of our own

we would be vulnerable & unashamed

it's just like adam to cover up what we cannot explain cuz

searching through coat racks & piles of shoes won't tell us who our soul is won't get rid of our need & if we walked around barefoot like some children around the world would we know that we all have the same needs

just fill it up with different seeds, dig up the dirt water it, nurture it

hoping that in the end it will produce a harvest of satisfaction but don't we know what will grow instead is thorns and weeds, lack of green

cuz what we want is to be full to the brim overflowing cups, but our cups flow up with stuff that we try so hard to push down like sadness, and loss, grief and hurt, & even the best dressed of us can't make it work

 what if we gave that to the one who became unrobed for us, who choose the cross to give us the gown of righteousness what if the picture of the bride in white is really what we are we've been searching for worth in the wrong eyes cause pintrest & instragram can't tell me who I really am

& even all the ideas all rolled into one will leave me feeling like a fall, autumn winter spring, summer fall with our leaves withering & what if we are all like trees empty branches waiting for death to come but when we surrender to it & finally give in to it we realize hope is coming

a little bird perched singing a melody, a melody that says who you are is not what you wear, who you are is made in him who knew no sin, & we can be clean, and we can be known by the one who made us, we were foreknown, planned ahead, planned by our parent to be part of a life with no end, god send, Jesus came to live among us so thank you father that you cover us clothes aren't good enough to cover us but jesus blood can cover us

Pappa, Abba, Tati, Daddy

March 26, 2012  
It's been almost a month since I came back from ywam. It's been a hard transition & I am finding that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to get back into the swing of things.  And I'm not the only one.  By far the most annoying question people ask me these days is: "So.. what are you going to do now?" Well, I don't know world! I just don't know.  But I find that Americans are not okay with this answer.  I must do something. Surely I can't just sit around all day. 
 I often find myself zoning out, random times when it's just me & my thoughts, I go through this list of to-do's.  I should get with it and go make it happen.   What am I doing while the rest of America is running around making their dreams come true? I should probably get a job or something.  Then I have a mini-panic attack.
But even though this pressure in me exists, I sense God telling me otherwise.

Otherwise about Himself. 
 About who He is & what He's really like.

And He is much like a Dad.  And I, His child. I feel like God is telling me: sometimes it's okay to do nothing.  It's okay to be a child.  Who said I can't be a child?

And what does one expect from a child? Well.. you don't expect anything from a child.

The Lord looks at me like a Father looks at His little kid.

So give yourself a break. Relax. Chill. And whatever it is you're doing today, hear God say to you that you don't have to go about making it all happen.  No pressure. Sometimes it's okay to do nothing.  You can be like a kid. 

There are seasons & stages.  There is a time & a place to work & I get that.  But sometimes it's okay not to have an agenda, not have your whole life organized. We should really Sabbath more. Sometimes it's okay to just sit & wait upon the Father.  

"As a Father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him." Psalm 103:13

Home Sweet Home

My rendition of Psalm 84.  Thanks to the amplified Bible & other translations for their help.

How lovely is your house O Lord almighty! 

My soul yearns & is homesick for the living room 

of the Lord; my heart & my body cry out & sing 

for joy to the God who is alive. I love hanging out 

with you & each new day I'm excited to meet up 

with you again! Even the birds feel right at home & 

build their nests in your house-near your altar. 

O Lord of the stars, my King & my God. Blessed

are those who live with you, who move in with you & 

are in your presence.  Those who are your roommates 

will be singing & getting their dance on all day long. 

Blessed is the man who has strength to travel on the road to God's city. 

Passing through sad alleys, they make it a place of springs, like sprinklers

that water the green grass on warm summer days.  The rain fills this dry land 

with blessings. They gain more strength with every step, getting stronger 

& stronger, until each of the travelers finally meets up with God in His city. 

O Lord of all the stars of the sky, hear my prayer, listen to me oh God. Look 

upon our leaders God, let us be your favorite ones. 

One day in your living room is better than a ton somewhere else.  I'd rather 

be a maid in God's house than be spoiled & rich in the mansion of evil people. 

Because God is a sun & shield; The Lord grants present grace & favor & future 

heavenly bliss! He won't hold back on any goodness from those who walk in 

the right direction.  Oh Lord of all, including the stars, happy is the man who 

leans on you & is confidently looking to you. 

Love in every language

January 23, 2012 

I've been having such a great time here in Thailand.  I'm frustrated that I can't speak the language & the attempts I've made to communicate  have failed.  Epically.  Ha! I've also done some dumb things culturally where I've felt like such an idiot & the natives have just laughed & laughed.  Oh well.  I guess it's okay to mess up, & maybe they find it endearing.  The song "Show You Love" by Jars of Clay comes to mind:

        I'm gonna show you a love in every language

        I'm gonna speak with the words that need no form

        I'm gonna give you what you never had before

But there are some things that are universal.  Smiles. Touch.  Laughter.  Everyone knows & needs these things.  They are what makes us human.  Love knows no language.  I don't understand what they are saying & they don't understand what I am saying, but it doesn't matter.  I am here.  They are here & it is enough just to be around each other.  We can be a present to someone with our presence alone, to paraphrase Jack Johnson.  Cheesy, yes. But true nonetheless.

I wanted to share a journal I wrote this past Sunday.

January 22, 2012: Today at church in the village we sang "How Great Thou Art" in a bunch of different languages. English, Thai, Romanian, Portuguese, Finnish, German. "Every nation, every tongue." That is awesome to me to experience a glimpse of  the universal church.  God you are bigger than language.  Than culture.  You bring true culture, true community, true life.  You make us truly human.

Also, today I found out my cat died a couple days ago.  I found out on facebook.  I was in shock.  I wept.  I wept because I am the one who brought my cat home a couple years ago, while I was still in university.  I wept because he was part of the family & I wept because of the way I found out, no one told me, I had to find out through facebook through my sister's post; a crummy way to get bad news if you ask me. But if I could feel such remorse, such sadness over a cat, how much more does God feel for these people here.  For these orphan kids who don't have two parents to call their own.  This experience has given me a little inside into the heart of God.  It's weird how God is teaching me lessons these days. 

And as promised, here is a journal from the heart of God to me, and to you too.

December 14, 2011 "You have the freedom to be a child."

December 18, 2011 "Child, child, don't do anything.  Let good come to you.  All good things come from my hand.  You can't rush these things. It's coming. It's on the horizon. Soon. Soon.  You will hear a symphony.  You will see my hand orchestrating it.  You will watch as it all happens.  Like a play.  Watch as my artist's hand comes to make a masterpiece.  I set the lonely in families.  I will make a family for you, where you are my children & I'm your Father.  Trust my rhythm. I know this. I'm good at this.  I will make love & faithfulness meet together, I will make righteousness & peace kiss each other. I will gather all my children.  I am preparing a place for you.  You will indeed see for yourself all the goodness I have stored up for you.  Don't lose heart, don't give in, I have so much for you.  But believe in me.  Believe I can do it.  Believe I am good.  Believe I am not holding out.  I am preparing all things, making all things right & beautiful! Oh how great is my goodness which I have laid up for you my girl because you fear me & revere & worship me.  I have goodness which I have wrought, formed & fashioned for you because you trust & take refuge in me. psalm 31:19. My girl I got this! I have a plan. You just relax.  I know what I am doing.  You can put all your hope in me." 

What it's like here...

January 9, 2012

 I've spent 3 weeks in Malaysia & now I'm Thailand for the next 7 weeks. That is nuts!

I haven't posted a blog since Thanksgiving.  Wow.  But I have written in my journal, nearly everyday.  And God has been speaking me.  One of the things I've learned while being at ywam is how much God wants to speak to me. So I've been practicing hearing His voice.  And usually it's me just writing out my prayers, usually complaining & then His response to my complaints.  And it's always good. 

Before I write about that, I want to clarify something.  This whole trip has not been roses & sunflowers. "To touch the rose unfearful is to meet the thorn" as Jars of Clay puts it & let me tell you it's been more thorny than I thought.  I have more trouble than I'd like to think, and the trouble is within my own heart.  I can't pretend or run away here.  I am stuck with a group of people & I have to face them & face myself .  Facing yourself is one big mess;  a  real beast of a thing.  I find within my own heart a selfish little girl. But God loves this selfish little girl.  And that to me, is one amazing thing. 

So to start off this new year, I'm going to share God's responses.  It's for me but it's for you too, & that is pretty sweet! I'm also going to throw in some random thoughts that I've come to discover about God as well.  

December 8, 2011: My daughter, do not worry, have no fear for I know you.  I know you dearly & I will not let  you go.  I will not answer your every request you have of me because I see the big picture.  I am looking ahead.  You can trust that I know all & there are some things you won't understand yet.  You cannot fathom my understanding, it's unsearchable.  You don't always get what you want, but I will give you better than what you want.  You don't even know what you want, I'll know for you.  Trust me daughter, I've got this.  I love you! I am for you.