On Being Romanian

While folding my brother's towels, I realized what the Romanian community has given me.  The Romanian community with its' rules on: moving out, living with your family til your married, and growing up with people you've known since they were born, has taught me a lot on how to live in community.  It has taught me to share, to help my brother, to give gifts to people who are starting a new season of life, to celebrate & invite people into my celebration, to want to have people around.  To loiter just because. 

Now, now I am the biggest advocate of finding fault in the Romanian community.  You see this community is missing the gospel.  It has the community but not the gospel.  Because the gospel is what makes the community bigger, what helps us to see how creative, vast, & manifold God is.  The gospel enables us to grow with people even though we haven't known them our whole lives.  The gospel widens our horizon, becomes a "rock that keeps spreading" as joc sings, to see that we can help more than just our blood brother.  Because everyone who is in Christ is our brother, and sister, and mother.  The gospel teaches us to give gifts not out of obligation but out of love. 

But this is not about all the faults in the Romanian community, it's about the good things.  It's a good thing that it has given me a head start on living in community.  And for that I can be greatful & rejoice in the fact that God used this community, this small people group, to give me a glimpse of His gospel community, to let me get used to it, to warm me up to the idea, to His big idea to what He wants to do in gospel community.

He's just broadened the idea of community in my heart, He's made it so much bigger than what I thought, then what the Romanian community has taught me.  God is widening my horizon, our horizon to see that community is far reaching, more than we can see, with more culture, more diverse than anything we've ever seen or heard. 

Maybe that is why God made me Romanian.

The Unsatisfied Soul

May 1, 2011 

I have so much bitterness in my heart towards people who judge me, but who are people?  Why do I base my worth through the eyes of fallen humanity?  Why are not my eyes set on God?  God, I have doubts, about myself, about what others think about me, I feel lost.  Do I belong anywhere?  But I’ve been looking down, my view has been on the earthly way of doing things, on mere humans, on myself.  It’s time to look up.  Time to see that the recognition & affirmation of man is a vain pursuit.  It’s not about me, not about my background, family, my good works.  It’s about God.  It’s about Him getting the Glory.  My only Hope is in You God.  You are the point of life.  Everything else is a vain pursuit, a waste and completely void of meaning.  Ecclesiastes screams of the ache of the unsatisfied soul & nothing a man does can ever fill the void, the deep emptiness of the soul.

Ecclesiastes…

“Nor is his eye satisfied with riches” 4:8

“but his soul is not satisfied with goodness” 6:3

“adding one thing to the other to find out the reason which my soul still seeks but I cannot find” 7:28

But with God, with God..

“He who fears God will escape them all” 7:18

“Yet I surely know that it will be well with those who fear God” 8:12

“the righteous & the wise & their works are in the hand of God” 9:1

“but for him who is joined to all the living there is hope” 9:4

“fear God & keep His commands. For this is mans all” 12:4

When we awake to the glory that all of life should point to Him, life comes together. All the pieces make a huge bright arrow pointing up, pointing to who He is, to what He’s done, to what He’s doing. No matter how broken & crumpled things are.  It’s for His Glory, all this dysfunction, all of this falleness is a backdrop for His Glory to shine.  The entire world is for the display of God’s Glory-that’s the point.  That’s the point of life- all of life is pointing to You Oh God!

That God gets the glory even in our despair, that He is at work here breaking our hearts, breaking us of our outward man.  God is bringing us to the wilderness to show us “His love is better than life” psalm 63.  To show us how empty we are, to show us desperation.  The answer to the despair of Ecclesiastes is Psalm 63.  

 My soul shall be satisfied in Your love psalm 63

Lost & Found

God is able to recover what I've lost. And even give me more than I had before. It takes faith to view life this way. Like nothing is wasted, nothing is in vain, like even my failures God is able to sweep them up with his own hand & restore to me more than I've had or know. More than we could ask or think & imagine... Ephesians 3... Luke 15

Power Trip

Hmmm a couple things I'd like to explore is first when I get confused, I tend to be depressed. Why is that? It might have something to do with my need to be in control. When one is confused, one is dependent on someone to guide them & help them understand. I guess I don't like that. I see it as a sign of weakness, a vulnerable spot to be in. Why can't I just accept confusion? Why can’t I accept the fact that at times I just won't know things-it's ok to be in the dark? The ignorance of a child is a good thing because they are worried about the things they need to be worried about like playing, and stories, and laughing. Just like that child, I should be worried about stuff like spending time with my dad, loving & enjoying others & accepting the seasons with joy & thanksgiving. Being confused & not knowing things is a sign of weakness, vulnerability, and dependency. But who said that is a bad thing anyway? The devil said. He wanted to be his own god- to rule, to know all- to control all. When I get at times in my life where I have this lust for control and knowledge for more than is good for me, I should stop & think whose example I am following- God or the devil.

The True North, strong and free!

 I'll be moving this fall & wanted to share my story as to how this came to be. 
Let me explain...

March 17, 2011

I come from a Romanian background-both my parents migrated to Chicago in the early '80s from Romania, where they meet & married.  In the Romanian community, you don't leave your house until you're married, parents are often insulted & personally offended if this happens. Being second out of six, a quiet place of retreat is pretty difficult to come by to say the least.  I haven't been away from my family for more than two months but, I've had this ache to go to missions school for a while now.  

I was part of a grass roots organization  since 2003 & went on short term mission trips to Romania, The Republic of Moldova, & Mexico. It was inspiring & eye opening.  I never thought I would go on mission trips.  I was always looking out for myself as a kid & vaguely remember missionaries coming to my church talking about missions, and hating it because I just didn't want to think about those things.  I wanted to live my life the way I wanted to; the poor,unwanted people just got in the way.  Then I went to Romania & Moldova, and talk about a culture shock & being humbled, I never thought people could live like that, & here I was living a selfish me-centered life. God really touched my heart & I kept going year after year becoming addicted to Romania & Moldova & loving it.           

It was on my heart since 2006 to dedicate a year to serving the Lord. In 2009, while visiting Iasi, Romania a friend randomly asked me to join her at a YWAM seminar. After the 8 hour day, I looked around the YWAM site & realized I could do something like this.  For the next two years, I began praying & searching for the right YWAM base. After writing many YWAM schools all over the world, I decided to go with the one that kept the communication lines open & was prompt in answering any questions. 

The journey's been full of heart changes, healing, & becoming financially stable, but after all this time, God has lead me to what I believe is the right school in this season of my life. 

 Now, I realize that I can be intentional & live out the gospel in community right here at my job, in my family, but somehow I feel like I need to just get away for a little & see life from a different perspective.  I really want to experience God on a whole new level. I know He can reveal Himself  in my room, but I feel that moving & living in community & being willing to get out of my comfort zone, I will grow even more.
  

I've been thinking & praying about this idea for such a long time & it has really been a big goal of mine.  I tend to be very territorial & possessive & when I get an idea I just hold on to it for dear life, I know that at one point this has been a sort of idol & I'll admit that I have had to wrestle with the idea of never being able to go & do something like this. It would be very hard for me if I wasn't able to go to school or do something like this.  I don't want to base my hopes in school or in an experience.  I want to be dependent on God.  It's not about the school or the place or the trip, it's about seeing God in the trip, the journey, the school.  I don't want to idolize this idea of going away or serving. I want to have a pure heart in this. 

I want to do this not because this will help me to find who I am but because I know who I am already regardless of where I am.  Regardless of what I'm doing, it's holy because I am God's temple.  I struggle with that. I don't know if I can be like Abraham & be willing to give up Isaac.  I definetely need prayer to just let it go, whatever "it" is & just let God lead wherever He sees fit.  And that is why I'm scared.  A scared 25 year old.  You can just imagine.  

It's been quite the journey for me.  I see how God has really transformed this scared, insecure teenager who always played it safe into a girl who is longing & aching for adventure & for God's very best.  I do want to experience God's best in every aspect of life. I don't want to live a mediocre, common life.

Let the adventure begin . . .