Let me explain...
March 17, 2011
I come from a Romanian background-both my parents migrated to Chicago in the early '80s from Romania, where they meet & married. In the Romanian community, you don't leave your house until you're married, parents are often insulted & personally offended if this happens. Being second out of six, a quiet place of retreat is pretty difficult to come by to say the least. I haven't been away from my family for more than two months but, I've had this ache to go to missions school for a while now.
I was part of a grass roots organization since 2003 & went on short term mission trips to Romania, The Republic of Moldova, & Mexico. It was inspiring & eye opening. I never thought I would go on mission trips. I was always looking out for myself as a kid & vaguely remember missionaries coming to my church talking about missions, and hating it because I just didn't want to think about those things. I wanted to live my life the way I wanted to; the poor,unwanted people just got in the way. Then I went to Romania & Moldova, and talk about a culture shock & being humbled, I never thought people could live like that, & here I was living a selfish me-centered life. God really touched my heart & I kept going year after year becoming addicted to Romania & Moldova & loving it.
It was on my heart since 2006 to dedicate a year to serving the Lord. In 2009, while visiting Iasi, Romania a friend randomly asked me to join her at a YWAM seminar. After the 8 hour day, I looked around the YWAM site & realized I could do something like this. For the next two years, I began praying & searching for the right YWAM base. After writing many YWAM schools all over the world, I decided to go with the one that kept the communication lines open & was prompt in answering any questions.
The journey's been full of heart changes, healing, & becoming financially stable, but after all this time, God has lead me to what I believe is the right school in this season of my life.
Now, I realize that I can be intentional & live out the gospel in community right here at my job, in my family, but somehow I feel like I need to just get away for a little & see life from a different perspective. I really want to experience God on a whole new level. I know He can reveal Himself in my room, but I feel that moving & living in community & being willing to get out of my comfort zone, I will grow even more.
I've been thinking & praying about this idea for such a long time & it has really been a big goal of mine. I tend to be very territorial & possessive & when I get an idea I just hold on to it for dear life, I know that at one point this has been a sort of idol & I'll admit that I have had to wrestle with the idea of never being able to go & do something like this. It would be very hard for me if I wasn't able to go to school or do something like this. I don't want to base my hopes in school or in an experience. I want to be dependent on God. It's not about the school or the place or the trip, it's about seeing God in the trip, the journey, the school. I don't want to idolize this idea of going away or serving. I want to have a pure heart in this.
I want to do this not because this will help me to find who I am but because I know who I am already regardless of where I am. Regardless of what I'm doing, it's holy because I am God's temple. I struggle with that. I don't know if I can be like Abraham & be willing to give up Isaac. I definetely need prayer to just let it go, whatever "it" is & just let God lead wherever He sees fit. And that is why I'm scared. A scared 25 year old. You can just imagine.
It's been quite the journey for me. I see how God has really transformed this scared, insecure teenager who always played it safe into a girl who is longing & aching for adventure & for God's very best. I do want to experience God's best in every aspect of life. I don't want to live a mediocre, common life. Let the adventure begin . . .
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